ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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