Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
