The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just want nice things and good sex
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
