got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
