I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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