she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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