That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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