we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
