no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
