Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize