My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
