No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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