I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize