he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
