drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
