I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
