DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
