Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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