just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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