wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
