mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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