Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
