hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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