I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize