Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
