I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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