Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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