I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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