well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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