i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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