Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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