the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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