I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
