I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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