I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
