I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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