We're like a lot better than the average bears
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
