apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
