Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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