that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Mom said you looked used
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
