took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
