Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
