he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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