I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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