happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
