New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
