life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
