So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
