I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
