I can tuck mytits in my pants
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
So much rum. So many feels.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
