I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
