I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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