he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
