i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
