I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
