sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
