why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
