What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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