i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
