Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
